It could be said that we all have an ideal amount of touch we’d like to receive at any given moment in time, and an actual amount that we actually receive. The difference between the two tells us something important about how ‘touch starved’ or ‘skin hungry’ we might be.
It is, of course, impossible to make generalised statements about the amount of touch we should each receive (and give), but there is something very important about noticing how much touch we would like to have. How hungry are you for touch? Not hungry at all? Hungry? What types of touch are you hungry for?
I decided to write this post after creating my new offering ‘Introduction to Touch Massage’. Not as a sales pitch but because I believe that giving and receiving touch is of the utmost important for good physical and mental health, as well as for a robust sense of connection with others around you. This isn’t me waxing lyrical about my profession either as the benefits and importance of appropriate touch (in its various forms) for human beings is well documented and researched (Banissy, 2023). For example, people who report wanting more touch than they receive show higher levels of loneliness, depression, stress, and mood and anxiety disorders (Floyd, 2014).
According to Floyd, affectionate deprivation hurts when we experience it, and ignoring it can lead to health problems (Floyd, 2015).
Touch also activates the vagus nerve which triggers the release of a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is often termed “the love hormone” as it is released during breastfeeding, cuddling, and orgasm. Cortisol, the stress hormone, also decreases as does heart rate and blood pressure (Banissy, 2023). It’s all looking good for touch!
But what happens then when you might feel you’re receiving less touch than you’d like but have no idea how to go about getting it? Or even, are afraid to get it? I have met countless people who are terrified of being massaged. Mostly, because they find that the idea of a stranger massaging them makes them feel too uncomfortable, too anxious and too scared (add past trauma to the equation and sadly, but understandably, massage feels completely out of the question).
What happens when you know what type of touch you want but simply cannot have it? What happens when you settle for a ‘lesser’ version of the touch you want? As a gay man I have often found myself craving for a tender loving type of touch and then settling for sexual touch that is neither tender nor loving but it’s what’s on tap nevertheless. It is interesting how comfortable so many of us are with sexual touch (which is a great thing!) but not with other types of touch which are infused with holding and presence. The reasons for this are varied but if sexual touch comprises of the majority of touch we receive then we may be missing out on other aspects of human connection.
If you are beginning to navigate the complexities of touch and trying to introduce different dimensions of touch to your life more, then I would suggest that you go slow, and then slow it down some more. Go slow, mindfully and gently. This is particularly important so that you can notice what sensations and emotions come up for you as you receive it. This creates space for you to notice what you enjoy, what you don’t and what you’re neutral about. For example, if you haven’t been touched by another person for many years, then perhaps it isn’t the best idea to launch yourself into a full body massage with a complete stranger, especially if it’s your first massage ever. You could find yourself feeling like a deer caught in headlights before it all even started (which does happen and isn’t the end of the world either as we can co-regulate and hopefully try to find a way to settle your body during your treatment).
My ‘Introduction to Touch Massage’ was created to aid the introduction of touch in a way that feels gentle, soothing and regulating. Sometimes, in these appointments, we don’t have to touch at all and it could just be that during our first appointment we just chat so your body can learn that it can be comfy in my presence. Bodies can’t be commanded to relax so, in light of this, we must respect the pace it goes at. Perhaps your body needs to acquaint itself with my therapeutic space before anything else can take place. With some clients I only introduce touch in the second or third appointments after we discussed what feels right and appropriate on that day. A hand massage, a foot massage, a head massage, even a really short one without oil and without you having to take any clothes off. With music, over a chat or in silence - the fundamental thing about the Introduction to Touch Massage is that YOU make the rules, which we review and change as you see fit because, really, it’s your nervous system that is in charge of how much you can receive on any given day.
Receiving touch in this way, via a massage, can be extremely new to a lot of people and, in this case, can lead to the discovery of a lot of new and surprising sensations and feelings in one’s body. Only last week, a client told me she had no idea her body could feel so good or that it could feel that good to be massaged by another person. This isn’t of course a testament to me as a person, a man or a professional, but simply a testament to the wonders of what our body can reveal to us when it feels held, safe and not judged.
But, if after all this, touch in this way with a stranger still feels too scary (for now) then know that you can still bring touch into your life in many other different ways that don’t feel threatening. In order to avoid overwhelm, first experiment with mindfully touching yourself in a nonsexual way. Try bringing your attention to the way it feels when you massage your own body or wash your skin. Alternatively, you could purchase a pulsating shower head and just notice how it feels to have the water rhythmically hit your skin. Pay attention to temperature, pressure and anything else you might notice. Remember that with all these exercises there isn’t a right way of doing it and you could do them for however long you like, from a few seconds to a few minutes. You could also do this with different objects of different textures and temperatures (I particularly enjoy playing with ice cubes in my mouth) and just explore how they feel in your hands (or any body part). See what you notice and what comes up - it’s about play and not about discipline or hardline breakthroughs.
If you’re ready to explore touch with other people in ways that don’t feel too invasive of your personal boundary (which so many of us can’t get a sense of) then explore getting your nails done, your hair did or your beard shaped. I personally love a hot towel from my local Iraqui barber. Focus on what it feels to be touched. If you enjoy it, that’s ok. If you don’t enjoy it, that’s ok. If you’re not sure, that’s ok. Remain curious about what it brings up without judgement and allow yourself to go back to what feels pleasant.
I haven’t yet mentioned consensual touch with loved ones and those you trust, which I hope you have a lot of on a regular basis. Think about what shape this could take and how it could unfold. Perhaps a spontaneous or longer hug could be a wonderful welcome to more touch (if you indeed want more) in your life.
Or maybe do come visit me for an ‘Introduction to Touch Massage’ so you can begin to discover the wonders of massage therapy.
When I go for a massage, I am implicitly asking my massage therapist to help me find my way back into my body, regardless of whether I’m having a Sports treatment or a Swedish massage and regardless of how short lived that going back might be. If I found a way back, a way back to a settled and harmonious home, then it would have been worth it.
References
Floyd, K., The Loneliness Cure: Six strategies for Finding Real Connections in Your Life. USA, Adams Media, 2015.
Banissy, M., When We Touch: Handshakes, Hugs, High Fives and the New Science of Why Touch Matters. UK, Orion Spring, 2023.
If you are interested in the original research into comfort-contact theory, it was pioneered by researcher and psychologist Harry Harlow during the 1960s.
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